June 29, 2026
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Every day you have a choice about how you respond to challenges, frustrations and disappointments. You may not always choose the situation, although you can choose the meaning you give it and the direction you take afterwards. This distinction sits at the heart of many ideas within NLP. When your attention settles on problems without movement, you often remain exactly where you are. When your attention shifts towards possibilities, you begin to create opportunities for change.
I experienced complaining behaviour recently. We are having some work done on our house and the project creates a lot of waste that will be taken away for recycling, so we have a large skip parked on half our driveway. The trades people are using the other half of our two car driveway to cut wood and prepare units. With the whole occupied, we have had the need to park our two cars on the road, perfectly legally, like many others on our avenue who have more cars than driveway spaces.
Here’s the interesting part from a human behaviour viewpoint. A neighbour, with whom we haven’t ever connected before saw fit to walk up the avenue, through the various trades people and knock on our door. Beginning with, “Are you the owner of this house?” he followed up with, “you can’t park your cars next to my house.”
I introduced myself and offered my hand, which disarmed him a little. I explained that we had been very careful not to block anyone’s access and not to double park and make access up and down the avenue difficult. I suggested we walk to his property to take a look. This disarmed his argument a little more. We walked to his property, our cars were metres away from his access point and next to his sizable garden at the side of his house which is enclosed by a box hedge. I looked around and asked where the problem lay. His response was very telling, “it’s not a problem as such, it’s just that they aren’t normally here.”
I looked at his driveway, it was large enough to accommodate six cars and there wasn’t anything parked on it. I asked if he could recommend a solution and looked again towards his drive. “No” he replied. An hour later he returned to our house to apologise for complaining. Still no offer of off-road parking though!
Everyone complains from time to time. Expressing frustration can be a natural response when something does not meet your expectations. The important question is what happens next. Does the conversation remain focused on what is wrong, or does it move towards a solution that could improve the situation?
A habitual complainer often develops a pattern of noticing everything that is missing, perceived as unfair, different or disappointing. Over time this way of thinking becomes a familiar strategy. Your mind learns to search for evidence that supports your existing beliefs and confirms the validity of your complaint. If you repeatedly tell yourself that nothing works, people never listen or life is always difficult or unfair, your mind becomes highly skilled at collecting examples to confirm those statements. Your attention filters experience in ways that strengthen the complaint.
A solution finder develops a different pattern. This person also recognises challenges and frustrations, although they quickly begin asking more useful questions. “What can I influence? What have I learned? What is the first step? Who could help? How can I help? What would a successful outcome look like?” These questions direct your attention towards possibilities instead of limitations and your mind begins searching for answers rather than evidence that supports your complaint.
Solution focussed thinking is about choosing a response that creates movement towards a solution. Instead of becoming trapped by the problem, you define the result you want. Once you know where you would like to go, your mind naturally starts exploring routes that could take you there.
Complaining without any intention of creating change rarely produces satisfaction. You may feel temporary relief through expressing frustration, although the underlying issue remains. The same complaint returns tomorrow, next week or next month because nothing has changed. Each repetition strengthens the habit and the problem grows larger in your thinking while your sense of influence grows smaller.
This cycle can become surprisingly comfortable because it is familiar and predictable. It’s important to note that familiarity is not the same as fulfilment. The conversation, the emotional state and the results repeat over and over. You may notice people around you who seem to carry the same complaints with them for years. They speak about the same colleague, the same neighbour, the same organisation or the same circumstances with almost identical language every time. Their experience remains remarkably consistent because their focus remains fixed on what they can’t control.
NLP places great importance on state. Your emotional and physical state influences the choices available to you. When you feel deeply frustrated, resentful or powerless, your thinking becomes narrowed. As a result, your creativity reduces, you become inflexible and your natural curiosity fades way. The outcome is that your resources for making effective decisions or solving problems get disconnected from your daily experience.
When you are in a resourceful state, you are more likely to notice opportunities, communicate effectively and generate practical ideas. In a resourceful state, you can move towards taking positive and meaningful action and generating solutions.
Your physiology (your body) also plays a part through the existence of the mind-body connection. Here’s a practical exercise. Notice what happens to your body when you repeatedly complain. Your shoulders may hunch and become tight, your breathing may become shallow and your voice may lose energy. These physical changes reinforce your emotional state. Now imagine standing taller, breathing more deeply and asking yourself, "What would I like instead?" Your body begins to support a different quality of thinking.
Next, it’s valuable to consider your language. Language shapes and dictates your experience of the world. If your internal dialogue repeatedly says, "This isn’t fair, it’s not what I want" your motivation naturally declines. If you ask yourself, "What’s the solution?" your mind starts searching for useful responses. The situation may remain challenging, although your relationship with it changes completely.
Let’s be clear and realistic here, solution finders do experience disappointment, they simply refuse to stay there for long. They acknowledge reality, accept responsibility for their own contribution where appropriate and direct their energy towards constructive action. Even when circumstances sit outside their control, they look for areas where they still have influence. They offer up their driveway!
Complaining tends to spread frustration through conversations, families and workplaces whereas solution focused thinking diffuses possibility throughout a group. When you ask constructive questions, you invite others to think differently as well. As a result, meetings become more productive, relationships become more collaborative and challenges become shared opportunities to learn rather than endless reasons for dissatisfaction.
There is a valuable distinction between identifying a genuine concern and becoming attached to the identity of being someone who always has something to complain about. When complaining becomes part of your identity, change feels uncomfortable because improvement removes the familiar story. A solution finder doesn’t need to prove how difficult life is, they prefer to discover what works.
You may find it helpful to begin to notice your own patterns, without judgement of course. Self-awareness creates choice. The moment you recognise yourself entering a familiar complaint, you have an opportunity to interrupt the pattern. You can ask a different question, change your posture, take a deeper breath or redirect your attention towards an outcome that matters to you.
To set you on your way, here is a simple exercise to strengthen your solution-focused thinking:
The next time you catch yourself complaining, pause for a moment and ask yourself these four questions:
What exactly am I complaining about?
What outcome would I prefer?
What is one action I can take within the next twenty-four hours towards a solution?
If I have no possible action, how can I choose to think about this in a way that leaves me feeling more resourceful?
Write your answers down before continuing your conversations with others. If you can’t identify either an action or a constructive way to reframe the situation, consider whether repeating the complaint serves any useful purpose.
This exercise gradually trains your mind to associate problems with possibilities instead of frustration. Like any skill, it becomes easier through repetition. Every time you redirect your thinking towards solutions, you strengthen new mental pathways and your resourcefulness grows because you experience yourself as someone who responds rather than reacts.
The quality of your life is influenced by the events you experience and the meaning you create from those events. Complaining without movement keeps your attention anchored in dissatisfaction. Solution focused thinking opens the door to growth, learning and progress. You become more adaptable, more resilient and more resourceful.
So, each challenge that comes along offers an invitation to choose your focus. You can invest your energy in describing the problem over and over again, or you can invest that same energy in creating a better outcome. The first path reinforces your frustration and the second develops your capability. As you practise noticing the difference, you will discover that satisfaction grows through purposeful action, thoughtful questions and a willingness to look for what is possible. That choice is available to you every single day if you take the time to notice it.
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