Are You Mind Reading?

Are you mind reading your way through life?

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You are, everyone mind reads at some time or other. Let me explain.

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In NLP Linguistics, a ‘mind read’ is defined as the resulting thinking that comes from claiming to know the thoughts and feelings of another person without being able to specify exactly how you came to that understanding. You could call it an ‘evidence free assumption’.

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Here are some examples of mind reading:

“I saw the way she looked at me, I know she doesn’t like me.”

“He’s only saying that because he is angry.”

“If I do that, I know exactly what they will say.”

“That behaviour is trauma driven”.

“They are attempting to manipulate me”.

“You are obviously happy with that way of doing things”.

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I know that language like this is familiar to you, you use it every day (and that’s also a mind read!).

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Where is the problem here if this is a natural way of thinking that you engage in each day? The real issue is that mind reading confuses your communications. Once you have decided that something is true, without any evidence, that assumption is a full reflection of yourself rather than a realistic representation of another person. Your communication then becomes you communicating with yourself, a conversation that other people will find it very difficult to enter into effectively.

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The response you get to your mind read is going to be one of resistance to your thinking. You might hear, “Oh no, that’s not what I’m thinking at all” or “No, I’m not angry, I’m confused”. Now your model of reality is shattered and you face a choice point. Either you stand your ground and begin to defend your position, instantly setting up a conflict situation, or you decide not to believe them and back out of the conversation, breaking any valuable connection you may have had. Both choices result in an unresourceful feeling on both sides of the conversation and a complete breakdown of rapport.

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I have met a lot of coaches and therapists over the twenty years I have been working with NLP who fall into the mind read trap with concerning frequency. They assume what is going on for their clients and lead them down a path of thinking that is entirely of their own creation. This happens when you listen to your own internal dialogue rather than listening to the specific language your client is using. Is it any wonder that the most common reason for people leaving their coaches and therapists is that people did not feel understood.

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Working with corporate teams and individuals at all organisational levels, I have discovered that the most wide spread reason for a break down in communication and the emergence of dysfunctional teams is mind reading. Everyone is making assumptions about everyone else and nobody is paying any attention to the evidence that is right there in front of them, they are evidence unaware. People naturally stand by their own thinking, resisting evidence to the contrary and setting up conflict situations where no differences actually exist.

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Mind reading can be the most important factor in the breakdown of relationships. Couples mind read each other all the time. When you have been intimately connected to another person for many years, perhaps you are able to predict some of their reactions and behaviours because as human beings, we operate in patterns and processes. Identifying repeating patterns is very different from knowing someone’s specific thoughts and feelings. It is impossible to know someone’s internal environment unless they choose to describe it to you.  

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How can you leave mind reading behind and begin to create truly meaningful conversations and relationships?

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It’s like crossing the road! STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN!

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In NLP language, we call this using your sensory acuity. Actively engaging your 5 senses, coming out of your own head and noticing what is going on outside of self. Look and listen for the evidence rather than formulating assumptions.

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STOP… your internal chatter and get outside of your assumptive thinking.

LOOK … around you and at the people you connect with, see what you see.

LISTEN … to each and every word that people use. Language is how people label their reality.

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The truth is that all the evidence you require to know how someone is mapping their model of the world internally is right there in front of you, you simply have to tune in and notice it.

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NLP is about linguistics at its heart. When you have a complete understanding of how to ‘listen between the lines’ of language, the effectiveness of your understanding of human processing and how to communicate powerfully with fact rather than assumption, you immediately become incredibly influential, empathic, supportive, connected and get the results you are looking for.

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When someone speaks, every word they choose is labelling a portion of their mental maps. As the words flow, the jigsaw of their thinking becomes more and more complete, until you can see the full picture of how they represent their world internally.

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With this skill, coaches fully understand their clients and can support them accurately towards their desired outcomes. Leaders and Managers can bring teams into functional operation and resolve workplace conflict with ease. Partners in any relationship can become empathic and supportive, learning to live in synergy and harmony with someone they love and respect. Your connections with others will become strong and productive, all you need to do is to stop making evidence free assumptions.

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Your first step towards removing the mind read from your habitual thinking is to ask yourself, “Where is the evidence for my thinking, how do I know that what I’m thinking is true?”

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If your first thought is, “I don’t know, I just do”, then you are mind reading. Step out of yourself and look for the evidence.

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The most effective way of gathering evidence is through enquiry. If you want to know what someone is thinking or feeling, ask them directly. People feel good when others show authentic interest in them and their internal world. They will begin to tell you and powerful energetic connections will begin to form. Listen to every word, observe their physiology and only act on evidence. Then people will know that you truly ‘get them’ and that’s how excellent communication is formed.

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Learning NLP is about learning to listen between the lines, see what others miss and to use language with volition.

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Remember as you go about the rest of your day today, Stop, Look and Listen!

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