Restoring Lost Confidence

Sometimes we have it in abundance, other times it is shaken and sometimes it is lost, confidence is an important concept to us all and one that we associate strongly with successful outcomes. Is confidence something we can start doing, or is it more about stopping other unresourceful states? I’d like to explore that with you in this week’s blog article, I hope that you find it thought provoking and perhaps find some element of inspiration that you can use to your benefit.


As an experienced NLP Trainer and NLP Coach, I often meet the phrase ‘lack of confidence’ as a presenting problem and a reason why people are not producing the performance that they would most like to produce.  I’m sure that many of you have heard the phrase many times too and perhaps used it yourself more times than you would care to admit. That’s right.  What is this concept called ‘confidence’ that we all value so highly as a major contributor to our success? Is confidence a process, an abstract concept or an emotional state of being? The answer is ‘yes’. Your own personal concept of confidence is exactly what it is to you.


Models of the world vary considerably from person to person and we all have a slightly different interpretation of confidence and what it means for our performance, capability and success.  When coaching someone, or indeed coaching ourselves as self-coaching is a direct outcome of learning NLP, to increase or ‘get’ confidence, the most important question we can ask is:


‘How do you know when you are confident?’


You can then elicit more detail by asking this valuable question set:

‘What do you feel inside, your emotional state?’

‘What does your physiology feel like?’

‘What are you saying to yourself in your head?’

‘What pictures do you have in your head?’

‘Are there any sounds that are important?’

‘When do you do it?’

‘When don’t you do it?’


You may find it helpful to ask yourself these simple yet revealing questions too and spend some time reflecting on your own answers.


The answers to these questions give us a really clear representation of how we relate to confidence and to lack of confidence.  The next key question to ask is:


‘How do you know it’s time to feel not confident?’ (You may need to ask this question in a contextualised way, as not confidence may be triggered differently in different life contexts)


This question will give us the trigger that sets us off doing the process of not confident.  A few well-constructed and carefully worded questions give us valuable information that we can work with to help ourselves and others resolve the problem of not confident.


Reframing, a key learning within our NLP Coach and Practitioner Training, is a linguistic tool used to break down rigid patterns of thinking and behaviour and make them more fluid and flexible, with the outcome of having more choice available within our neurology.  When we say that we lack confidence, we are often stuck in a rigid loop of thinking which produces an undesirable set of behaviours and unacceptable performance levels.  A really successful general reframe for lack of confidence, enhanced with a healthy punctuation of quantum linguistics which we learn as Master Practitioners of NLP, is this:


“Confidence is inextricably linked to familiarity.  The more we repeat or experience an action or an event, the more familiar we become and the more confidence we achieve.  This is how we create confidence now.  Accepting that this is true, then how can you be confident about something new, that you have never experienced before?  It’s OK not to be confident about something new because it is unfamiliar.  You know that the confidence will grow with familiarity, without you even having to think about being confident now.  Knowing that it is OK, how can you not not notice now how confident you are?”


(Note: The ‘not not’ statement is intentional and is taken from Quantum Linguistics, designed to confuse the conscious mind and destroy the boundaries that surround problem.)


When we are in a state of not confidence, it is more about us focussing on what we don’t want rather than having lost our existing confidence. Consider that the resource of confidence is present within everyone, we just need to re-connect with it to experience its energy and drive. The inclusion of negative emotions like fear and anxiety in our thinking can easily over write any confidence we may have been capable of generating. Limiting beliefs about ourselves and our perception of reality can also take prominence over confidence in our thinking, as can incongruency and conflict within our neural networks. We can remove all of these unhelpful ways of thinking using the unique and highly effective process of Time Line Therapy® which you can also become certified in the use of during your NLP Coach and Practitioner Training. Using Time Line Therapy® Techniques, we can remove negative emotions and limiting decisions and beliefs, creating the space and motivation within your thinking for your confidence to shine through. Incongruence, inner conflict and personal dis-alignment can be resolved using the powerful NLP technique Parts Integration which also forms part of our NLP Coach and Practitioner Training.Confidence requires the mind space to blossom, so when we clear out all of the rubbish, the good stuff can begin to do its best and to help us to get the outcomes that we most desire.


Thinking differently about lack of confidence is the first step to removing the issue completely.  As NLP Coaches we can then move forward by removing limiting beliefs and negative emotions which support the problem.  An age old complaint, reframed and often removed in a few minutes, such is the power of NLP thinking.


If you would like to learn more, you are invited to attend our new format NLP Coach and Practitioner Training. Please call the office to book your place, we have a few early booking spots left too so please make use of them and save money, 0845 467 3039 or email


See you there so you can hear how it feels to make change really easy!


Christine Dawson

Managing Director